Facial anatomy is off, the way the tongues are working is way off, and the coloring and shading is very unimpressive at best. I just don't see how this piece is supposed to work. I mean, the angles are kinda... MEH, and leave too much to the imagination. Perhaps if you showed what was going on from a different angle, more of the characters were revealed and the anatomy, coloring, and shading made an improvement, I could see this getting into the art portal, but as of right now, no. I don't see it here. Perhaps next time.
If I were to make some recommendations for improvement, try looking for a specific pose you want to draw, and draw it a few dozen times, until you feel confident enough that you have it right. Repetitive drawing of the same thing repeatedly can ensure minimal mistakes, and may help you discover new ways to draw characters. However, as a word of caution, make sure you're using SOLID references, either via photos, or use Posemaniacs, etc. MAKE SURE you're not just copying either, though. Use the references I mentioned, and then try and put your own spin on it. Don't just copy, but learn from references. I know it's helped me before, and I am sure it will do some major good for you as well.